Transcript: Conflict Resolution with Jesus: A Simple and Lasting Approach

Hi there. I'm training to be an in-time survivor by listening to the things that Jesus taught, so I can learn the lessons I need to learn in order to live as a Christian. Today I want to discuss something I like to call the grievance system. Disagreements and criticisms happen everywhere you look. I don't know what that one makes you the nerve. What's he doing? Well, you better not do something like that again. Tell him a new one. That works. Jesus had a way to deal with the disagreements that really works. Many businesses, private organizations, and even governments and legal bodies have adopted at least part of what Jesus taught on the subject. But ironically, the people who seem to have taken the least interest in what Jesus taught about settling disagreements have been those involved in religious organizations, churches in particular. Jesus' formula for unity in the church appears in the 18th chapter of Matthew, verses 15-17. It comes in three stages, and the first stage is, by far, the most important. Jesus says that if you have a disagreement with a fellow Christian, you should go to that person and discuss the matter personally, not involving anyone else except the two of you. So, what do most of us do when we see a problem? Hi, Fifi. Hi, I brought some chocolate for you too. Hooray! Huh? What? Hey! Huh? Did you see that? No. See what? Fifi's older brother Jack just grabbed her candy, took it right out of her hand. When we speak to other people, we create an almost instant bias against the person we're criticizing. The longer we talk about it, the worse that bias gets. He must really love chocolate if he's stealing from kids. Hmm. Chocla... Heh heh heh heh. Blah blah blah blah. Tasty That disgusting Hi Chris hi Komari What disgusting Phoebe big brother just stole her candy and ate it himself And now he just smiling like it all a big joke I heard he was a Christian, so I was going to invite him to our next Bible study. Now I'll have to let everyone know he's not a good person after all. Maybe we should ask him to give the candy back. Are you kidding? Look at the size of him. He has bully written all over him. This kind of scene happens every day in just about every part of the world. If we're honest, most of us would also prefer to voice our complaints to someone else, like these people are doing, than to take a chance on getting the offender upset. We especially do this with other Christians. Our relationships are often so delicate that we fear destroying them if we point out fault. And, truth be known, most of us can't handle a little truth either. But Jesus says that we're not supposed to do that, at least not if the offender is a fellow Christian. He expects much more from us if we truly are his followers. If your brother or sister has done something wrong, go to them personally and point out where they were wrong. Do it privately, just between the two of you. Even when someone else comes to you talking about someone who isn't present, the right thing to do is to insist that the person being criticized gets a chance to be heard. I don't want to hear anymore. If you're not prepared to talk to him about it personally, you won't solve anything by telling me what you saw. I don't want to upset him. Maybe we can get our pastor to talk to him. No way! Jesus said talk to him yourself. Either have the courage to do that or don't say anything about him at all. Okay, okay. You don't have to be so pushy. I'll go and talk to him. It's important with any disagreement or criticism that we stay open to the possibility that we don't have all the facts. If the other person listens to you, you may win back a friend. Thanks for sending me over there. It seems that Fifi has a serious allergy. If she eats peanuts, they can kill her. Jack knew the candy had peanuts in it, and Fifi didn't. In fact, he doesn't like peanuts either, so he said we could have the candy bar. Wow we really had it wrong didn we Thanks sister for steering us in the right direction However sometimes it doesn work The person refuses to listen to you That's when you take it to the second stage. If your brother or sister does not listen, take along one or two others. The scriptures teach that every complaint must be confirmed by two or more witnesses. Hey, Joel, why did you lie when the pastor asked where you were on Saturday night? I didn't lie. I really was home. Just reading my Bible. But I saw you in the city, coming out of the bar. You did? Well, it's no one's business where I was. Maybe not, but you didn't say that. You lied instead. You can't prove that I lied. So if they don't agree to change, you are entitled to involve one or two other people in the grievance. But be careful that you do not bias them before they arrive. Just tell them that you need their help with the disagreement, and that you will tell them the details when everyone is present. So when he wouldn't listen to me, I felt it was necessary to involve you two. Joel, do you want to say anything in your defense? Actually, it's true that I wasn't at home reading my Bible. Truth is, I didn't feel guilty for being in the city or for drinking. But I shouldn't have lied. You know, I'm sorry about that. I'll go to Pastor Brown and I'll tell you the truth. What helps most at the second stage is that people don't want to look bad. so we tend to be on our best behavior, including being more honest, when there are two or three people watching us. We partly do it to keep our fault from becoming more public than it already is, but it also has the good effect of making us listen more honestly to the criticism. Nevertheless, for some people there is no resolution, even at the second stage. That's when it must go to the third and final stage. If your brother or sister refuses to listen to two or three witnesses, and you should report the matter to the whole church. One of the reasons why churches don't deal with disagreements in accordance with what Jesus taught may be that they don want to tarnish the thin veneer of respectability that is so important to most Christians and most religious organizations Religion tends to promote hypocrisy by setting unrealistic standards of respectability Even if we have to cover things up to achieve those standards, such an obsession with outward appearances doesn't leave much room for dealing with problems candidly. Now just because we go to the same church It doesn't give you the right to tell me How to treat my own employees Now get back to work And drop this silly complaint I'm sorry sister But in this church We believe in treating everybody equally If you want to be a part of this church Then you need to change your behavior You're right pastor Can you two please forgive me for my bad attitude? I really will try to change. Anyone who refuses to repent at the third stage is to be kicked out of the church. Most churches don't have the courage to do that today, especially if the miscreant puts a lot of money in the offering claim. But those are the standards that Jesus taught, and they are the only standards that will make a church a truly Christian church. If they refuse to listen to the church, then treat them as you would a non-believer. Such a decision in the early church would have resulted in the person being kicked out of the community, because they all live together. But even in a traditional church, the instructions are to assume the person is not a Christian. If they are not prepared to accept the counsel of the body to which they belong, then they should not be allowed to call themselves a member. Of course, the problem in most churches these days is that the entire church is not prepared to deal with the disagreements the way that Jesus has told us to. And so there is a pretty strong case for treating the entire church as though they were non-believers. I mean, you either believe what Jesus said or you don't. Are you willing to practice what Jesus has taught here?