Transcript: Christian Relationship Advice for Marriage and Dating

shine bright spread love love yeah so you want to be in a relationship are you serious right now do you want to do the shot put the 100 yard dash or the triathlon because if you ain't ready for the long haul, you might as well just stop right now. Stop acting like you're serious because this is a serious endeavor. My name is Kamala Mani. I've been happily married for over 26 years with my wife for 29 and I had relationships before her and I were together. I also have friends, family, brothers, cousins, barbershop talk. I know what's going on. I know what's going on 20 years ago and I know what's going on right now. And I have a lot of advice to give you, but I have real advice to give you. The advice is so real, you might not want to hear it because some people can't handle the truth. Right. So make sure you can handle the truth and hold on to your seatbelts because it's going to be a rocky ride. One of my titles of one of my audio books is called How to Survive Love's Emotional Rollercoaster Ride. All right. So we got a lot of topics to discuss. We're going to go into some basics first and then we're going to get more elaborate. And you're definitely going to get your money's worth. OK, so are you serious? Are you sure that you're serious? alright when I was getting married right I was on my front yard I was wiping down you know washing down the yard and the driveway because we were getting married in my backyard in Goodwood, New Jersey and we had you know we had the nice bamboo and the bamboo was coming over like an arch we had a patio we had a gazebo and you know We had a long walk to the back and all the family was out there and it was beautiful. We had African drummers. We jumped a broom. It was beautiful. And then we had our wedding reception at the Teaneck Women's Club. My friend was a DJ. The whole thing might have cost me a thousand dollars. And we're still together. And I know people who have paid 20, 30, 40, 50 thousand dollars and broke up a couple months later. I'm not saying that you got to do it my way. But what I'm saying is something we're going to touch on later. And that is the marriage is more important than the wedding. Okay, because a lot of people, especially the females, are so interested in the Hollywood Cinderella version of the wedding, that they forget about the marriage. And the marriage is an institution that has to be cultivated and it has to be watched and it has to be regulated and monitored and twisted and tweeted and everything and readjusted is what I'm trying to say. okay so yeah I'm getting ready for my wedding in a couple hours and my neighbor Paul who's a married man he comes out and says hey are you getting married today I said yeah he said well what you want to do that for he messed me up You know what I'm saying? But years later, he turned around. Even very recently, he said, I'm glad you and your wife was still together. Y'all are doing good. Y'all make a beautiful couple. I was like, thank you, Paul. So relationships is one thing I just want to mention. Relationships, this is not a versus battle. This is not me against you, boo. It's not you against be is not tension. Don't let your girlfriends and your family, my boys and my family or whoever else, co-workers say anything else because you and I as consenting adults made the decision to come together as one. Now any other that chit chatter has to stop. We can't let that all come up in here. You know, this one bought this one that her husband bought us and this wife is doing that. that ain't none of our business like houdini said it's me and you one-on-one against the world i don't really like the word against but i get it because when we come back into our home our kingdom and queendom then that's a place of solace that's our temple that's our hospital that's our home and we can't let nothing else penetrate that cipher you understand so you know this is not me against you and all of that. And that's why one of the first things that I want to say is that, you know, did you check yourself? Did you check yourself? Meaning, did you self-analyze it? Did you get your baggage out? Are you a bag lady, sister? Are you a baggage handler, brother? Like, did you get all that baggage out? Did you bring baggage with you? Do you still kind of want your ex? Do you know what I'm saying? Do you still want your ex? Do you still desire your ex? Do you still have feelings, footsteps in the dark, like the Isley brothers said? Do you, you know, have any kind of traumas that you didn't let go? Are you still angry at your ex? are you still broken hearted is this new relationship a rebound you know what i mean you got to make sure that you're not bringing your funk onto somebody else and vice versa because y'all might both be bringing baggage and funk into a new relationship and therefore it's not gonna last so you definitely got to check yourself um brother did you sow your oats sister did you sow your oats are you ready or do you still want to go to the club do you still want to go to the bar do you still want to go look at them right and i'm going to digress because i just want to say something else that's very important what i see is a lot of people just don't even know how to date. You come to the date, especially the women, looking like everything's too tight. You don't look comfortable. Most men like a woman that's more like a Sade, a Naomi Campbell. You look conservative. You look comfortable. We don't want a lady all rackety. She can't walk in her heels, and the weave is falling off. She's got the traction. She's doing all this. Itching. and you know what I'm saying? She adjusting the boobs and pulling up her pants. Come on. Already we already know what it is. And you look like you just want a jump off yourself for that night. And like if it works, then maybe you do some more jumping off with that same person. But if you don't like the way the night went, you're going to jump to the next person. And that's the vibration that you're throwing off. So you need to come just like the men need to come as friends. And as friends, we don't have to ask all the questions in the wrong way, but you need to ask some questions. And it's really about what are your likes and your dislikes? Because y might turn around and don ask those questions about likes and dislikes and end up pissing each other off What are your likes and dislikes And the other thing to ask or listen for are your historic records In other words, what traumas do you have and why? What has happened in your life? Were you molested? You know what I'm saying? did somebody say something to you that messed you up mentally and emotionally? It's just self-esteem low. Have you been depressed? Do you have a history of depression? Have you lost a child? Are you impotent? Like you don't have to ask it right away, but you got to kind of listen and ascertain because these things, if not addressed early, will come up down the road and then you're going to be like, how come you never told me? And that's going to be like, yo, I can't trust you because you're not communicating with me properly and telling me the truth. So it's very good to find out the truth early instead of finding it out later. And if you're not ready for these vows, right, for richer or for poorer, oh, also, I'm sorry, The medical health is important to asthma, allergies, all that kind of stuff. If you don't if you don't ask about those things, then those things can pop up as well. OK. So, yes, the vows, vows are important, even if you're not getting married. Just thinking about those vows. Are you ready for to say for richer or for poorer? for richer or for poorer in sickness and in health to death do us part. See, because in richer or for poorer, you might say, my man got a good job and I got a good job and I'm doing this. I'm doing a real estate. I got my own business. I got corporate. I'm the such and such title, blah, blah, blah. Right. He's the blah, blah, blah. And one day something changes. One day somebody gets laid off, somebody quits, somebody gets demoted, right? And then what happens now? Can you adjust? Can you function? So you could function when everybody was rich, when everybody was doing well. But now when it's poor time, poverty time, can you adjust? Can you hold your head? Can you hold your heart? Are you ready to throw somebody out? Are you ready for unconditional love? That's what all of this is really about. Unconditional love, selfless giving, selfless love. That's what all of this is about. At first, you think it's about she look good. He look good. They got money. They got this. They got status. They got blah, blah, blah. Got it going on. Makes me laugh, having fun, dating, eating some good food, going on a vacay. Right. But what happens when the honeymoon is over? Right. So, you know, to death do us part. Right. And sickness, people get sick. What happens when somebody gets sick? What happens when she's pregnant and you're horny? What happens when you're horny and she's pregnant? now sometimes you can still do stuff and sometimes she ain't in the mood what you gonna do what you gonna do for nine months brother can you hold on can you maintain self control see brother I've been there it ain't easy it ain't easy you know until death do us part now that doesn't necessarily mean you or her die that means maybe a child dies as I'm going to mention later, maybe there's a miscarriage. Maybe somebody close to you or close to your partner dies. Now, how do you handle that? Again, you have to be in an unconditional space. You have to really be spiritual. You have to be like water, as Bruce Lee said. If you say you believe in Jesus, now's not the time for lip service. You have to be like Jesus. If you say you're like the Buddha or you're into yoga, Krishna, or you're into Muhammad, then you got to be like the avatar or the prophet. You can't just lip talk. You have to demonstrate your patience and your faith and your positivity and your compassion in everyday life with your lover, the way you speak, the way you touch, the way you walk, talk and move. This is for the long term. This is for the triathlon. This is not for the sprint. This is not for the hundred yard dash. if that's what you want to establish with somebody y'all establish that but if you're going to go beyond that don't lead somebody else on okay and another thing that I like it's also a song it's like a house song what has been joined I can't sing so what has been joined by God let no man put us under true indeed me and you one on one against the world so in our house we praise the Lord no matter what your religion or spirituality is. But y'all need to pray too because a family that prays together stays together. Once certain things like that break down, you know something's going to happen with the relationship. And now we're going to talk about the script. The Hollywood script. That's that Cinderella stuff. And the man got a certain thing too. A lot of men are alpha males and they think the woman's going to cook and have sex and shut up. Right? As Chris Rock said, right? We just want you to cook, feed us, eff us, and shut up. Right? But that's not how it's going to go down in most cases. What you're going to do? Hit her. Don't hit a woman. Walk away. Walk away. Say, honey, I'll be back. I got to cool off. Don't come back till you cooled off. Let her know where you're going so she don't got to worry. All right. And females with the script. Oh, he's tall, dark, and handsome. He makes a hundred thousand a year. He drives a BMW or whatever the case may be. Right. He's buff. he's handsome he's funny da da right and then now two weeks later after the marriage or it was not consummated but after the wedding is over after the honeymoon is over that I hope you didn't spend too much money on when you could have used some of that money for your emergency fund and to pay your bills that are now going to start coming in and the question is did you discuss How are you going to handle your bills? Who's paying what? Is one person paying for everything? Are you going 50-50? Who's paying for the electric? Who's paying for the food? Who's paying for the car notes? Plural, probably, right? who's paying for all the bills water gas you know whatever right and medical do you have life insurance who's gonna put the medical you know on there are you both gonna carry the medical insurance from your jobs or you know do you have medical insurance as an entrepreneur who's gonna deal with the medical insurance oh you thought this was all just about love and the She's so cute. She so cute Right Not Alright So this means that you have to communicate Like I said, like Bruce Lee said, I'm going to say it again. Be like water. There's no time for no more alpha male. I'm the alpha male. Hugga buga. I'm the caveman. Yeah. Yeah. Give me my man cave downstairs. I'm a Don. I'm a boss. I'm a diva. I went to such and such frat roll. I'm a soror. I'm a frat brother. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's cool. But don't bring all that ego into you and her. Because it takes two to make a thing go right or her and you. It makes two to make a thing go right, as Rabbe said. It makes two to make it out of sync. All right? So don't be playing, I'm such and such in society. I'm into who's who and all of that. Let go of your ego. Let go of your ego. When I was in high school, I used to, everybody know me on the street. I was a football player. I was an honor student. I was a cheerleader. I was a high student. And I was, it ain't where you're from, it's where you're at. That's what Rakim said, right? So, yeah, now you got to be equally yoked. Are you equally yoked? I tried one time to deal with a sister that was in a different religion, and she tried to deal with me in a different religion. It was rough. It was just extra time. We had to go to her place, and we had to go to my place, and all of that. It was just extra time and aggravation in a sense. It wasn't spiritual about it, because I still believe what I believe, and she still believe what she believed. She was doing some stuff that I didn't think make no sense around the house. and I can't say the opposite because maybe it makes sense to her that I didn't celebrate what she celebrated you know what I'm saying it was just off you know not that you know I know people where it does work but you got to be very careful with that and some people break up because of religion and spirituality but some people break up because of politics you know some people are Democrats and some independents and some Republicans and they just got different opinions about life different worldview they were brought up differently some people don't even get together because they got different sports teams that their families have been repping i've heard that before that's crazy you know what i'm saying it's just a whole social status and some blue collar and some white collar you know you that's why y'all gotta talk man y'all gotta be friends before y'all just jump in that sack man because you jump in that sack and afterwards you find out everything you're like oh this ain't gonna work and now you feel kind of dom, you might feel used. You might say it was good, but you know what I mean? Once again, we come to the wedding versus the marriage. The wedding will last one day. Then there's the honeymoon. The honeymoon can last a couple days to a couple weeks or whatever. When it's over, it's time to really, like I said, handle those bills that's going to come in handle how and when you're going on vacation and try to get that in sync and plan for a baby and you got to remember now you got two families coming together so now if somebody's sick in any family both of y'all got to cater to that or deal with that and manage that somebody's sick somebody needs something somebody helps somebody's moving and y'all got to talk about all of that. You got to talk a lot. You got to communicate every day. You got to recap. How was work today? How was school today? How are you? Every day. Can't let that go. Somebody holding something in. That's the worst thing you could ever do is hold something in because it will come out in an argument. It will come out when a button is pushed accidentally or accidentally on purpose. It will come out. OK, and you've got to communicate about money. Again, who handles the money? Do you have an emergency fund? And even emergency funds could go fast. $100,000 could go fast. Any amount of money could go fast depending on what the demand is. So you can say, yeah, we got emergency fund. We said, but then you might have to tap into that emergency fund. And then another emergency might come. But how are you going to handle it? Are y'all going to be able to stay calm? Are you going to be like Jesus then? Are you going to be like Muhammad then? Are you going to be like Buddha then? Are you going to be like Wata then? So you've got to sit down and communicate about handling the money. If the woman handles it better, if the man handles it better, whoever handles money better, Go ahead. If somebody got a shopping problem or a gambling problem or risk taking entrepreneurial business deal problem. No, the person that's more fiscal and conservative should handle the money. So you have to communicate about money. And when you communicate with each other, you have to do your best to keep your voice down and be cool. trust me it's going to pay off in the long run instead of y'all going from zero to 100 and butting heads because you think it's a versus battle it's not a versus battle it's not you two against each other your problems are all in a circle you can put your problems in a circle and y'all can look in on them and deal with them okay you're not the problem she's not the problem he's not the problem. The problems you could put in the circle, look in the circle and say, oh, okay, and then prioritize how you're going to deal with them. Take things day by day and step by step. You can't do everything in one day. It's not going to happen. Days go too fast. The sun goes down. And when the sun goes down, at that point, y'all need to stop. You know what I'm saying? Y'all need to relax. Who's going to cook? You know, it shouldn't be a big deal. but with me, if my wife don't feel like cooking, I cook. If I'm hungry, I cook. If she feel like cooking, she cook. It ain't no big deal to me if nobody feel like cooking, we order out. It ain't no big deal. It ain't no big deal. You gotta communicate about sex. Y'all like talking about sex. And I ain't gonna get all into your sexual business. All I'm gonna say is see what your partner likes and dislikes and what they like give them plenty of it and if they're not in the mood fall back they'll get in the mood sooner or later this is nature they should and if not you got to communicate about that what's going on right and um brothers don't like you know men brothers we don't like to see the doctor right but we got to go see the doctor. You know, I was recently told, you know, about high blood pressure that if you don't take your medicine, you might get a brain aneurysm. Of course, you could get a stroke, you could get a heart attack. So we got to work on that. And I know there's herbs and stuff, and I've tried that way before too, you know, but after going through some sicknesses and I said, you know, I'm going to start listening to these people trying to stay around for a while. I tried my way. right? So we got to go see the doctor make sure things are okay You know worst thing that could happen a little medicine that gives us a little advice That all You know who it embarrassing to Again it you and your partner That's your world, right? And then your children. We're going to talk about that in a minute. Gentlemen, to keep the yang up, there's maca, zinc, ginseng, you know, Hembe, other testosterone boosters, Hemohem, but, you know, some of them have, you know, I'm not a doctor, so you got to check that out. Check out the ingredients, check out what it does, Google it. And, you know, like I know, what is it, guarana? Guarana has caffeine in it, you know, so you got to be careful because caffeine, you know, is strong. And you got to also watch for sugars. I recently, a couple of years ago, found out that sugar is in everything. Sugar be in stuff like tomato sauce, you know what I'm saying? Of course, it's in cereal. It's in almost everything. And we wonder why we work out and stuff and you don't lose that much weight. The sugar is in your lemonade and fruit punch and coffee and everything, right? And then there's sodium. Now I'm recently finding out about sodium. That's the salt. Sodium's in almost everything. That gets your high blood pressure up. So we got to watch for that. Next, this sounds a little better. Vacations, vacations, vacations. I'm a big advocate for vacations. That means like when you're in a rut and you feel the rut coming, you've just been working and going to school and running around and y'all might be getting at each other a little bit. The house might be a little messy. People are tired. It's time for a vacay. If it's one day, you could go to the beach, right? Or overnight or for the weekend, you go to a nice place, you know, like around here on the East Coast. I like going to South Street and chill out. In Philly, I like the village. In New York, I like Harlem. I like Brooklyn. You know, just go chill. You know what I'm saying? Walk around, window shop, buy some things. You know what I mean? Get some culture. And there's Atlantic City. It's right here on the East Coast. It's easy. Baltimore. my brother Robert the chef shout out to Chef Mac you know there's Atlanta you know it's just right here on the east coast you know and um it's all good but as you could do that or you could plan a week or plan for a day or plan a two week right but you gotta know that things are getting a little rough, yo, baby, let's go here. You know what I'm saying? Let's go here today. Look up at the hotels or the Airbnbs and say, well, what can we afford? If you can't afford much, you know, do some things that don't cost a lot. Go to a museum. You know, get a little dinner. Remember to always date. Don't never stop dating. Don't never stop sending flowers and candy. Always keep dating, okay? Show that gratitude because you know why? What you've got to always remember, you didn't have to meet him or her. Your partner is God's gift to you. And you have to treat your partner and always remember that your partner is God's gift to you. Also, expect the unexpected. See, zigzag, zig. Life goes like this. But if it don't go up and down, you flatline. You're not living. Right? But it goes like this. Now, unexpected. That could be finances, car problems, you know, problems with things in the house, miscarriage. Right? Now, that's psychological and emotional, too. Two-boy topic, pregnancy, postpartum depression. Nobody tells you about these things, really, until you're married or you get there. And now you have to be like water. you gotta be like Jesus you gotta be like Muhammad or whoever you believe in but you gotta be cool cause now somebody's off balance and somebody's sad and somebody's depressed and you gotta change the way you work and the way you move nobody told you that but this ain't just about she look good and he look good now y'all getting deep alright Right. So that's that in sickness and in health. Right. That's that death, like death of a child. Miscarriage, things like that. You got to really embrace your partner now. OK. And when the children come, some people bring their children as stepchildren, they become stepchildren. now there's stepfathers there's stepmothers everybody got to communicate and you got to communicate with your kids that this is going to be your stepfather your stepmother they are to be respected if you like them or not and y'all got to try to communicate you got to communicate okay um i think that's like basically the key that i wanted to talk about it's just that um don't go into this like it's a versus battle like you know i'm dating i'm trying to say some slick stuff to get in her pants and she's like yeah he looked good himself maybe i will give it up the first night or two or three or four right things like that like you have to really say this is a human being this is somebody's daughter somebody's son and respect each other right this ain't no hit and split it. There's no speed dating, no ghosting, no curving and all of that. That's silly. This is a human being and more so it's a divine being. It's a child of God, male and female, child of God. And you have to treat that person accordingly. Okay? And bring humor into the relationship. Bring comedy. Throw some comedy on at home. You could be Be silly when you can. Be funny when you can. Enjoy life. I do believe in those vacations. Go places. Enjoy life. Be social. Because when things get hard, they get hard. So when times are good, enjoy them. Live your life like it's golden. Live your best life. And enjoy your partner that God gave you. Okay? So I briefly covered some serious things. you might want to remind us and listen again and share this with your partner okay and i have books on the subject of relationships that you can check out i have um let's see which one let's bring back the butterflies beware of the booty call they're all online i have the audio book um how to survive love's emotional roller coaster ride And I have a few others. So just check them out. Ram Kamal Amani. K-A-M-A-L-I-M-A-N-I. And check them out. And share them with each other. Okay. Thank you for listening. Peace, love, success, and happiness. Amen. Love, yeah Shine bright, spread love Love, yeah