Transcript: Caring for a Dying Spouse: Lessons from God's Love and Mercy

Well, good to see you very much. And last week I was in pretty bad shape because of my diabetes, but the Lord was gracious and I finally got going stronger as the time together was. I hesitated pretty strongly about doing this. and I think almost anybody would do that if they've gone through the experiences of losing somebody that they love and what God has done with all of that. But that's why we want to give the next time we meet some time for you to do what I think is important that the Word tells us to do is to speak to your friends and to your loved ones. Like at Christmas, I took some time to share for the first time with my grandchildren and my children about the things. I didn't want them to forget Bev at Christmas and what God had really done for us. And they hadn't really heard me say anything. And it's amazing that we don't say very much about this issue and don't share those things. But so the next time we meet, we want to take some time, like Alan said, for you guys to have reflected. And there may be a time and all sorts of times in your life where God has come into your life and expressed things to you that really, truly touch you. and truly have helped you make it through or enlightens your heart or whatever. And it's usually attached to a promise and to the purpose and the presence of God in your life. And that usually is that he communicates through what he's given to you in terms of a verse that helps explain or move you through a situation. So that's why I feel like I'm here. I prayed about it a great deal before I decided to do this. I've used, as I mentioned to you last week, Psalm 109, in the last part of that psalm, where it's a verse that I would have never chosen or looked at, but because of what God has done, it's become precious to me. And in it, it basically says, help me, Lord my God, save me according to your loving kindness. So they will know that your hand has done it. So they will know that your hand has done it. And then it goes on to explain that he, David, who has this thing that has been done to him, he went into the congregation and explained it to them in praise to God and thankfulness for what had happened to him. And he said, God was at my right hand. I was in need, deeply in need. And he saved me. And so that is essentially what I'm sharing with you. And I'm sharing you what God has done. And I think at our age, particularly as we go along, it is a meaningful thing to speak to your children and grandchildren about what God has done for you. You are there to explain to them these things that has happened in your life in such a way that it becomes a deep, deep witness to them. It is a witness to them that God is alive and he's real and he works within the lives of people. And it's amazing, like I said, as I look back, how little that is shared by us with our kids and grandkids on a direct incident and a direct burst that influenced an event that is in your life. So if you turn with me to Isaiah 43, that's where we're going to start this morning. Isaiah 43. I mentioned to you before last week, I'm sharing a lot of verses with you. And sometimes I'll share them and move right along. So if you're really wanting to allow the things that have touched me that I'm sharing with you, all I'm doing is filtering the presence of God and his promise for the word into my life. And I'm sharing that with you. and the other reason that I basically said last week why I'm here is that God comforts us and works in our lives like he did in Peter's life when he told Peter in Luke 22, 32 that Peter was going to fail and we get an insight to Jesus' feeling about that and his response to Peter when he basically said to him, Satan desires to sift you as wheat, but I pray that you fail not. How many times have you asked Jesus to pray for people that you know, that you know that they have failed, they have struggled and failed? and that you've asked Jesus to pray for them, that their faith doesn't fail, even though they are gone through trouble that causes them to feel like they have failed. And I've often prayed that people that I pray for, that Jesus will pray for them, that their faith will not fail, even though they're going to, it looks like, you know, I look at several of my grandchildren and friends and whatever, and it looks like they're in a place that they are literally gone from the presence of God. And I know that I was when I was 17 years old, I was gone for 10 years. Okay. And during that time, God never failed me. And he brought me back, but it took 10 years. Okay, so the other thing that that verse talks about is that you are to share the comfort that God has given to you to somebody else. so Peter definitely has shared his comfort in 1 Peter and 2 Peter those letters are full of comfort from a life that was touched and changed even though it was wrecked on that night so anyway that's the other thing I'm here to share with you these verses and ideas to give you comfort and the The last thing was, again, from Psalm 109, this is a glory to God. What he does with our life, what he shares with us, and what he accomplishes, it is a glory to him. In 2 Corinthians 4, verse 16, it talks about an idea. And the idea is that Paul calls it this kind of ironic. He calls it a light affliction that you guys, we go through. I don't call it a light affliction. I think it was an almost ironic statement or twisted or something. I don't know why he calls it light. However, he picks it up in the very next phrase to counterbalance it. He says the light affliction that you're going through is a weight versus the light, is a weight of glory. So the light affliction that you're going through, the struggles that you're going through, the fire that you're going through, the troubled waters that you're going through. OK, that's the light affliction. And he says it will turn into in your life and for your future, not necessarily here, but certainly in the presence of God, a weight of glory that will crush the affliction. Will cause tears to be gone and wiped away and glory to be given. To the Lord. And that is essentially what we have the opportunity to experience as we go through the light affliction. The verse in Isaiah 43, the first verses here, I'm going to read phrases of this passage, not the whole passage, but I kind of link it together the way I feel it. This is a set, chapter Isaiah 43, is probably my wife's most favorite chapter. It's the verses that I'm going to read to you here right at front are the ones that were on her funeral page that had to do with her life. And we had that when we gave out the programs. And this is what was on it. So let me read it to you. But now thus says the Lord, your creator, and he who formed you, do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you, for I am the Lord your God, the Holy One, your Savior. Verse 4, since you are precious in my sight, since you are honored and I love you. verse 5 do not fear for I am with you now that is an enormously beautiful passage to hold on to when you walk through the waters when you go through the fire and it touched my wife deeply Later on in the chapter, it talks about what God will give to you besides the struggles and the things that are difficult. It goes on to explain that he'll make a way through the desert. And he will cause things to bloom in your life and make it beautiful. And the other verse there that is very important is verse 10. you are my witnesses to the facts of these things that I've been with you I've walked with you you are my witnesses to everybody around you you are my servant who I chosen in order that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he Before me there was no God formed and there will be none after me. I, even I am the Lord. There is no Savior besides me. You are to know that and you are to witness to people around you that that is true. and you need to pray about that, and again, ask God to open doors to where you can explain to people the things that God has done for you, that he did it. It makes God alive. He says, you're the witness to the fact that I am God and I'm alive to you. through these hard times and through these struggles. And you're to give glory to me and to witness to the fact that I am the only God there is and there is no other Savior. Let me read. Again, you don't need to turn to this because it's a quick passage, but it's a passage that everybody knows and this is what I really want to talk about this morning is Matthew chapter 14 verse 29 28 and Peter answered him and said Lord if it is you command me to come to you on the waters remember that incident and he said come and Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came towards Jesus but seeing the wind he became afraid and he began to sink and he cried out saying Lord save me and immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and took hold of him and said to him oh you of little faith why did you doubt all of us and particularly me have felt like we have gone through troubled waters and often as we are walking with Jesus during those times we have failed we begin to sink because our faith is not strong things really are troubling us that causes our faith to weaken and we begin to sink and you find as you look at Jesus he immediately that's the word immediately moves to save Peter Lord save me because I'm sinking I'm struggling in terms of doubt. I'm trying to give to you this morning a little bit of shift than what was last week. I'm trying to link some events in my life that have occurred with Bev that show my failure. That's a little difficult to sit here and talk about, particularly in terms of the uniqueness of your own marriage. And so it's a little difficult to share with you. But at the same time, I'm trying to give you comfort from what God did. And what you find here is this one big principle. You sink and you call and he immediately responds. And he knows your sin because your sin is your doubt in him. But he immediately pulls you up and you get in the boat and you arrive where you're supposed to be. And that's the principle. And again, you have times where you sink like that. And if you can find God giving you these promises, it really changes you and shows you what God has done. so what I want to do is to kind of explore through some events that Bev and I went through together and explore how God has ministered to me in terms of the sinking and hopefully that will be a comfort to you the verses and your understanding of how God has worked with my life in that area now if I had to explain to you all the sinkings we would never be able to get out of here in terms of eternity itself. But I will try to narrow it and not take too much, and I may have to cut it short. But the starting point for Bev and I that had a major move within our marriage was when we were age 40, and we've been married since we were 22. So although we had a very good marriage and there were things that were enormously good that were moving positively in our relationship, we felt we had gotten to a stagnant area in our marriage at 40. And we felt like we were not moving forward in our love with each other. We were kind of at a stagnant area. And this was brought really strongly to me when I went to seminary. And I was studying a passage in Ephesians chapter 4. And that passage has to do with a particular idea. There are lots of ideas, of course, in there. But this is what the passage says. Verse 29, Ephesians 4, and had already known in my own mind that Bev and I have felt like we had reached this plateau. It occurred to me very strongly that I was not living this passage at all within my marriage. If you would look at those words, this has to do with the conversations that you have with people, but particularly the conversations that you have in terms of people that are the most intimate with you. Usually your husband or wife. And the pattern that I had developed for a long time, 22 to 40, and here I was in seminary. Okay. The pattern I had developed in my conversation with Bev was to nitpick. Okay. In terms of her behavior. I was not saying things that were wholesome. I was not saying things that were building up. I was tearing down. And I just look at the things that I would say to my wife on a consistent basis, and I would realize that that was exactly what I was doing all the time, was nitpicking and tearing her down. Now, I examined why I thought that that was true, and there are a lot of reasons for it, But I also felt that I was nitpicking at her because I felt like the failure of our own relationship, including me, was not moving. So I would nitpick at her basically to say to her and to me, we are not doing well. And we need to do better. But I never could get to better. I could only get to nitpick. OK. And so that broke me badly when God let me see that and understand that. And so I took my wife out to dinner after I prayed about this a great deal. And it was at this point that she and I both decided that we need to go before the Lord together and as individuals. To reach for something that we wanted was what God could give to a couple in marriage in terms of love. What could he do? What could he give? How could he do this? But we wanted it. And this was a revelation to me that there was a starting point. This verse. okay and so at that particular point we both began to examine our love and examine who we were as a couple before the lord constantly and god kept showing us things that we had to do to change to make to make that love become greater and greater and greater according to Ephesians 5 and John 10, 10, abundant life. We wanted these things, but we weren't getting there. So the first thing that I would ask you in terms of your own life is, do you have something that you wish that God will bring about within your own life? okay is there something within the behavior of your life and the patterns of your life that you would want to be changed okay now both of us realized as we went along and really even at that point that we couldn't change us the biggest joy or the biggest encouragement the The biggest understanding that is different from the world is that you and I have the power of the Holy Spirit that has come into us to comfort us, but to empower us to change, to lead us to a rock that is higher than ourselves. that's Psalm 61 verse 4 to lead us to a rock that is higher than ourselves and we can't get there and the great thing that God has given to us is the power to get there it's there if you surrender to it it is there to change you Now, I'm here, I'm almost 77 this next week, okay, and I can tell my children, and I can tell my grandchildren, and I can tell my friends, Isaiah 43, I am a witness to a fact that God can produce these things in a person's life. His power is there, and he has taken me out of the troubled waters, and he has taken Bev and I and moved us forward and forward and forward with many drops. Okay, but it's moved us forward. And it was our goal was to find this love. And like I told you, that in the last words my wife said to me, out of a period of seven days of darkness where she said nothing at all, did not respond to anything, was one time I said to her, I love you, as I was giving her her medicine. And she said to me out of that darkness I love you I have sworn she said to me out of that darkness I love you Last words she said only words she said in the seven days of darkness. That is a gift. Man. It's like a culmination of everything that he did. I had one of the worst sins that I ever committed was against my wife. This is not an easy thing to share, but I will share it with you. It's not a terrible sin in terms of adultery. Okay, that never occurred. Thank God. But in an event that occurred within the last seven years, I was taking her to the doctor and got home. We were on a path of recovery in lots of different things that had to do with her physical problems. She couldn't walk. She could stand. She could make a few steps, but that was about it. But we were beginning to feel as though she was strengthening in this area that we might progress quite a bit. And, of course, it was a hope for both of us that that would occur. I brought her into the laundry room. The laundry room is tiled, heavy tiled. and I walked into the kitchen because the phone rang and I went and I grabbed the phone and before I did that I just said really quickly don't move don't do anything so I got up, went in and grabbed the phone started talking to somebody and all of a sudden I heard this huge crash she was in a wheelchair I'd gotten her into the wheelchair from out in the garage because we had to transfer. And I got her there and don't move and went and got this phone. And I heard this crash. I dropped the phone, ran into, and there she was laying on the floor. I have never had such a explosion of anger in my whole life. I literally came unglued in terms of anger. Now, you would expect that it would be the exact opposite, that you reach down and pull her up and help her and say, how are you doing? I'm sorry. That was not my response. Now, I looked at that later and wondered why. But, you know, I've been taken care of for 16 years, this girl. and going through all sorts of things. And we were always trying to, for her physical life, we were always trying to move positively forward, which we were very rarely getting anywhere. But we had a sense that that was occurring at that time frame. And she got up. Why in the Lord? She got up, and I had no idea. We never examined that. But to me, it was like she had done something to destroy what we were having together. As a caretaker, I'm always trying to cause her to be better. And it's like she's working against me. So that's what I finally came up to because I couldn't believe that I exploded so much. In fact, that explosion of anger was so devastating to me, I almost felt like I wanted to quit my Christian walk with God again. Inside my heart, I knew that I'd failed. But I wondered where he was. Again, when I was 17, that's what drove me away from it. and it it troubled me greatly deeply disturbed me okay broke me okay that in this love that we had been pursuing and god was giving to us and moving us forward that this would occur in me again. And so I had to go to him and talk to him. This time I was able to do that. In other words, previously I was so angry at him at 17 as a young teenager would be that I threw him out. I said, no more. I will not do this anymore. Okay. You have failed me. Okay. Okay. And again, as Jesus said to Peter, you just don't have much faith, do you? That I can rescue this. okay so i can't i didn't leave i came to him it was difficult to come to him okay but i prayed that he would help me save me pick me up pull me out of the water okay and save me because i was in great great need so what did I do what did God give to me well he gave me an awful lot one of them was Luke 22 32 when he says I prayed for you and your faith is broken but it isn't finished if you give up now and don't walk with me now It'll be your fault, not mine. I am always here. I am always here. I am immediately available to reach towards you and to pick you up. So I moved towards him, and he began to help me see some of the things that I needed to do. and here are some of the things that I learned this is out of 1 Corinthians 13, 11 through 13 and we don't need to turn to this because it's a familiar passage if I start telling you about it it is God gave me some real insight as to why this sin was there he did give that But many times he doesn't. He doesn't give you insight. And it becomes a real bone between you and the Lord because you want the insight in terms of why you fail. What's going on here? There are people that I talk to, and this is the main problem. They have to understand or they will not move. If they don't understand, they won't move. And I've learned that I don't have to understand to move. 1 Corinthians 13, 11 through 13 is now we see through a glass darkly. and we'll always see through a glass darkly down here. But then when we're in his presence, we will see clearly. And every tear will be wiped away. Isaiah 55 has always been a beautiful verse for me. I don't know exactly what verse. It's about 11 somewhere. where it says, in my wanderings, as I've wandered through this world, not really knowing exactly what's going on, in my wanderings, you have captured all my tears in a bottle. And I have a real sense that God, when he says in Revelation 21 that he'll wipe every tear away. I believe he'll uncork the bottle and start telling you all your tears, literally, what made you cry, what hurt you. And he'll explain to you something that will wipe it away. and I've always felt like that is such a glory such a destiny but you don't know it now and you better not let it keep you from moving forward to a good destiny so at the time that I was praying it I was literally broken and did not know why all that occurred when we were moving such beautifully together. So that was the first thing that I really felt and understood. The next thing is the most important, which all of you would understand, but which, again, like I said, when I was 17, I did not do, was Psalm 51, where David confesses his sin sincerely to God for the two huge sins of adultery and murder, all the different things that David did to get Bathsheba. And when you read that, Psalm 51, when I read it and went back to it, was a sense of deep, deep, deep sincerity in David. And that's what I had to get to. I was broken, but I still had this struggle with faith. Okay. That somehow God was a fault here. Okay. And so what I found was that I was, my confession was not very sincere. And I asked God to make it sincere and he did. Okay. Because I certainly understood the emotion of my sin. Okay, so let me just read real quickly Psalm 51, just some of the things that you're very much aware of. If I can get to it. be gracious to me oh God according to your loving kindness according to the greatness of your compassion blot out my transgressions in your goodness like we studied last week from Exodus chapter 33 in your goodness, move to me. In your compassion, move to me. In your presence in my life, move to me. And be gracious to me because I am a mess. Okay? And forgive me. Now, there are a lot of times when you and I have asked God to forgive you and you really have a sense that he's forgiven you. This time the sense was so overwhelmingly meaningful that God could race this that he would blot it out that he would remove it as far as the east is from the west that he could clean it out That he would remove it as far as the east is from the west That he could clean me that well and cause me to move forward. And that's exactly what David talks about in the last part of the psalm as he goes through it. Purify me. Make me to hear joy again. Make the love between Bebba and I have joy again. Not be broken and dismantled and going downhill for the rest of our life. Restore what you have done. Do not hide your face from me. create in me a new clean heart restore to me the joy of your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit to go forward now if you have trouble in praying in the midst of your own sin and your own brokenness, this is what you have to pray. It is enormously positive in terms of what God is, but it's enormously right on spot as to what you need. So if you have trouble, go to it. Just like I said, I'm sharing with you something that I went to. These verses are all things that I went to. Lead me to a rock that is higher than myself. You cannot believe how many times I pray that prayer. Lead me beyond myself by the power of your Holy Spirit to be something that I'm not. in my love for Bev. I am not very good at it because of my sinfulness. I will tear it apart. But you can restore it. So it was a great promise to start over again. And that's the next thing that a person has to do. They have to decide to get up and start over again tomorrow. You're forgiven, and now you must rise and move forward. God is always moving forward. You're the one who stops and goes into the waves. He's always ready to immediately move. So who's the problem here? And the biggest problem is, is you won't get back up and start on the path that God has already told you is available to you. You've fallen, but you're not dead. You're not totally broken. You can be restored. And so you have to get up. So I walk into my wife's bedroom, our bedroom, and tell her, please forgive me. What happened was absolutely ungodly. And I prayed for him to forgive me. I'm asking you to forgive me. And that we would start again. And we did. my wife has always been gracious far more than me and so we started again I don't have a lot of time here but I'm a God has shown me so many things in here when you say, when I said to Bev I've taken care of her all day long feeding, all sorts of things and so you're with her towards the last two years almost every 15 minutes I mean you can be gone for 15 minutes and I would tell her I love her a lot and I told you that I was telling her I loved you when she responded there at that very end and And that desire to have her understand that was deep. But when you just say, I love you, I mean, it's so hollow. What I mean is anybody can say it. And you can say it many times. I didn't even mean it. So I wanted God to show me what that meant for Beth. What did that mean? It's not just a, I love you. And I found that 1 Corinthians 13 really began to show me what that meant. It is the good of love that is a part of God. It is the action of love. It is the good. Good is something that actually is done for somebody. I love you, but the good is, this is what I did. And that's how God shows you. He says, I pass my glory before you. You know what it is? It's my goodness, my compassion and my grace. But it's my goodness. It's my acts of love to you. You can see them. They're not just words. So the very first words out of that list that everybody knows, 1 Corinthians 13, is kindness and patience. I lived by those words. They brought love into meaning. You can touch somebody. You can move your hand to somebody and be kind with that touch. How many times have you felt your kindness when you touched somebody? And you meant it. It was the love that you had for that. And you did something even to a touch. How many times have I touched my wife with a sense inside of love? Going to her, being kind to her when she hurt. Being kind to her when she needed me to take care of something with her body. You begin to understand what love was. And patience. Patience was something that was very difficult because there were so many things to be impatient about. And yet those were the areas that often I would walk away and go, I was not kind and I was not patient. So please forgive me and change me into something that I am not. And so that's what he kept doing. So I can stand before you and say, God raised us from 40, age 40, age 76. He consistently moved us in the area of love. To where I feel like our love between us is a weight of glory to his name. Because what he was doing in us was his glory. Because he did it. so I can say to you, help me save me, O Lord my God, according to your loving kindness to me, and let them know he did it. That he was beside the right hand of the needy, and he saved me. I have one other event this week, cannot do. And we may maybe pick it up in the last time. I've got a few other things I want to say the last time, then each one of us will share some things. But the main change in terms of moving forward with God in the areas of your failure when you're asking him to help is a recommitment, a strong recommitment to a surrender to the path that God is taking you on. Because often the path that he takes you on in terms of your goal that you want him to do, the love that we want God to create, is not the goal that you will choose. So you must surrender to him. It's a constant thing. I'll just mention quickly we got about two minutes okay I lost bet what I mean by that most many of you have felt this she she went into a state she got a virus and she turned on me the virus changed her whole personality and for four days she was not herself and she did not want to see me they were looking at the hospital what was wrong. I never could find out what was wrong. But then later on, the guy said it was a virus. He changed her whole personality. She did not want me to be in the room. I went home, and Becky, fortunately, was able to get into the room because she didn't reject Becky, but she rejected me. And I went home, and I wept. worse than I've ever wept I've lost her not only have I lost her she's antagonistic to me where is this love that you're building in some two hours I wrestled with this and I finally came to surrender to me And again, I can't read the verses, but Romans 11 through 12, 2, really helped me surrender. And I can remember right now the feeling that I had when I finally got to that where it was surrender. If this is where you want us to go, I will go with you and I will go with her. if this is where you want us to go. I don't understand it, and it does not look like anything as to what I would think you were creating for us. Well, in four days, she shifted, and she never left again. But there was this deep, deep commitment to this is God's path. It is good. And I couldn't see any good at all. And in that set of verses, the very last phrases are, it was good and it's perfect. And you go, I can't believe it. I could have divided something up better than this. and so those are the things that help me get through these I'm falling in troubled waters help me save me and these are the things that save me okay so next week not next week but the next week I'll share one other tidbit it'd be about 15 minutes and then we will share with you guys where you can share some things that God has given to you in a verse or an event that's in your life. Thanks for being here.