Transcript: Breaking Free from Domestic Violence: God's Love and Support

Namaskaram. Good morning and good evening my dear beloved friends. Whichever part of the world you are, good morning and good evening to you. A warm welcome to this short sessions through which we are able to cover multiple topics that are very very important for our lives. And our objective, our mission is just one thing that we want to help the mankind to help them transformed as overcomers so today that is there is one thing that is lacking among the mankind and the society is like many people do not know how to overcome nobody is going to enjoy the stressful life life and depression life and anxiety and life in problems and failures and you know continuous problems nobody is interested to lead their lives in this kind of continuous depressions right all of them want to change their lives all of them want to desire a change in their life but they do not know how to bring that change and that is where we are definitely putting in a lot of efforts to help the mankind and our mission our objective is just one thing we want to build the mankind and help them to be transformed as overcomers thank you for all your feedback thank you for all your participation we really appreciate Today we have picked one such topic, a very sensitive topic, a very important one too. And people who are below the age of 18, I would say please skip this session because it's not very important that you should be knowing at this point of time. Perhaps you can revisit the session after you cross the age of 18. Even people between the age of 18 and 21, yeah, it's not very important, but it's a right age for you to know. The title of this topic is Domestic Violence. When I say domestic violence, many people don't even understand the meaning and the significance and the importance of this topic. But there is a statistics which says that at least 80 to 90 percentage of people in India, India is a very traditional country and we are always striving hard to preserve our tradition. Every home you will see, regardless of any religion they belong, they will have that Indian tradition. We are very special and we are really serious about that. In any country you go and see, the Western culture is much different from Indian culture. But the sad truth is, every home will have some or other form of domestic violence. They don't know that they are going through the domestic violence. They have no idea how to overcome. They have no idea how to fix it. they have no idea how to report it right so we are going to review few facts today and we are going to it's a very practical study and as i told you it's a very sensitive discussion and i was thinking many times should i really do it is it necessary for me to get into this and all that but ultimately i took some courage i took some heart to come and present few things that i know Not necessarily whatever I am speaking is what I have gone through. Don't get into your unnecessary imaginations. No, but we want to, you know, tell you certain things that we have found through our researches. A research says that at least 80 to 90 percentage of Indian population, they go through this kind of domestic violence, regardless of culture, regardless of your religion, your language, your gender, doesn't matter, right? People go through. But the most deprived gender is definitely the feminine gender. Who are the most victimized people or gender or category in this domestic violence are the feminine category. That we have to admit. Doesn't mean that the masculine gender doesn't go through it, but we will deal through it later. What is domestic violence by definition? I will have to refer little bit of my Google. So, do not, you know, I have everything in my heart. by god's grace i have the presentation skills but still i have to refer some notes okay now what is violence all of us know what is violence violence can be translated to mob gathering belting stones taking a knife and stabbing at people bloodshed and you know setting the bus to fire damaging the public property every form that hurts the public or human beings in terms of you know kind of manhandling methods even a road rage is violence right you you can talk you can expose your thoughts India is a democratic country democracy can be revealed but without manhandling without hurting others in fact if you are able to hurt other people other person sentiment and trigger somebody's emotions and take them towards anxiety and depression that is called as domestic violence you know violence and domestic violence are tightly coupled domestic violence also you know talks about the physical abuse and stuff like that that cannot be separated from domestic violence domestic violence also involves damaging the emotions or taking a person to you are the reason for somebody's depression very simple definition I'll read what Google is saying we will all read domestic violence is violence committed by someone in the victims domestic circle right this includes partners and ex-partners could be your your divorce but still you are consistently you know torturing the person harassing the person and all that immediate family members other relatives and family friends and it could be your own colleague it could be your own subordinate right it is all any form of harassment sexual harassment and sexual pressures all these things are very common by law also you are not permitted to do that and females can go and report Every HR will educate them even as part of their induction program if you are a working employee. The term domestic violence is used when there is a close relationship between the offender and the victim It is most often it is misunderstood by many many readers they think only it related to husband and wife they discount many other relationship it could be between a boss a manager and the subordinate it could be between a mother and a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law it could be between a mother and daughter it could be between a husband and wife and wife and husband either ways it could be between parents and children it could be between yourself and your neighbor right it could be with a pedestrian right you are driving in a vehicle a pedestrian crosses it also could be like you know the kind of words you use to shout at a person and you end up in smashing him because you have two three people and the pedestrian is all by himself all alone sometimes you know we take advantage over somebody's loneliness that is also domestic violence anything to do with hurting somebody's sentiment pushing them into deprivement pushing them into depression pushing them into anxiety pushing you know some anxiety is also a dangerous thing it's also one form of domestic violence what is anxiety you give all false promises you are promising some person saying that i will work out a job for you just pay me this much and all that now you have you know become a defaulter you have not fulfilled your promise what is that called it is also a form of you know domestic violence you are a cheater according to the law 420 they can book an you know case against you and they can throw you to jail but then the actual category the main line is connected to domestic violence many people discount many of these categories therefore they knew not that's why i told you 80 to 90 percent of the population is going through the domestic violence through some or other means this is apart from violence how many violences you are witnessing tell me in the name of religion in the name of the gender in the name of what to say language so many violences are happening but how many of them are we kind of accounting every day it happens once in a month across the nation many march protests and silent protests are happening but they don't end up in violence very few violences are happening that's why these kind of violences don't keep recurring but we go through domestic violence and we don't even feel it correct no so there are various facts that I want to disclose. What are some points in domestic violence? Now, domestic violence affects the victim, your mindset, your growth, your mentality, your behavioral pattern and your mood swings. You know, all of a sudden you get sparked up. The reason would be very silly, but nobody knows what is inside you. And you know, what was the trigger for that? Domestic violence, nothing else. It causes diminished psychological and physical health you may end up in heart disease you may end up in you know a lot of hormonal issues because why when the mood swings are there the the hormonal issues are going to really take you for a troll and it decreases the quality of life you are not able to sleep in the night you will be thinking of something and then results in kind of decreased productivity you will never be a productive person whoever you may be you may be unprofessional you may be recently married You are not productive in your life, in a professional life and personal life. The national economic cost of domestic and family violence is estimated to be over 12 billion dollars per year. You know, the employers are able to quantify it. You cannot quantify that in a family, right? I incurred this much of loss because of my wife. No, it can be qualitatively justified that, you know, we never had a good time together. we never the last time we went for outing together was three years ago you can qualitatively quantify but not quantify in terms of numbers but the employers are able to tell this because there is a kind of a domestic violence it's nothing but a harassment or a conflict or a ego problem or a political issue you know there are a lot of politics which happens in every corporate you don't allow the employees who are really good by performance to grow what is that called us because you have favoritism. You want to favor someone else, right? Managers listening to me, right? Don't do this to any employee. Likewise, employees also, right? They while away their time. They file unnecessary cases against their manager. They speak a lot of lies against them. And in the inquiry anyway, they will find out. That's a different thing. But until the inquiry is over, you are imposing some sort of depression and anxiety in the mind of a manager who is very honest. It happens this way also. Correct, no? A lot of cases we have discovered. So, there are many facts here, but we will talk little bit about the relationships, right? India is known for relationships. India is a peace loving country. India always honors relationship. And even now also, a lot of functions and festivals happen. Why our forefathers have created a lot of functions and festivals? Because each time a function or a festival happens, we will get together, right? So, there are a lot of importance given to the relationship angle in India. so i'm talking to indians of course i'm not ignoring if you are hearing from some part of the country you also have a family right but here the hierarchy is little more detailed so i don't want to get into the details okay let's talk about the relationship at a high level husband and wife i will come towards the tail end okay and then i will walk you through some of the facts and how we can overcome i'm going to finish in another three four minutes you got an idea right what is domestic violence and domestic violence you got an idea no so i'm giving you some facts here and there therefore you will get an understanding let's start with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law very famous topic if I were to talk about this subject the whole time won't be enough I may need other than one other one hour but few instances I'll tell you why this domestic violence gets triggered either daughter-in-law is harassing mother-in-law or mother-in-law is harassing daughter-in-law sometimes it happens give and take they harass now it is my turn i will arrest correct no so they will kindle fire through different angles they will tell all the things to their sons and they will make or create the fight this is the dog mother-in-law's role daughter-in-law's role same thing she will play you know telling her husband all that has happened now what's the trigger for this let's not talk about the fights because they vary from family to family person to person but what is the trigger the trigger is very very simple Both of them come from different background And what happens is majority of the time if the parents are living with their son, for example, after marriage, if it is a joint family, correct, no? Son living with the wife and they have begotten a children, one family, and son has got a mainline relationship with his parents, another family, because he is the bridge, correct no when they all get together and live in the same house a statistic says that seven out of ten people end up with this kind of domestic violence the reason is very simple they are coming from different background and unifying this culture unification of this culture and mindset will take a long time and no one has patience they end up with egos they end up with difference in opinion they end up with arguments contradictions and fights and brawls everything quarrels everything the reason for the trigger is there is the difference in culture difference in opinion is okay but the problem is you know that that triggers a lot of you know egos and fear insecurity the fear for the mother-in-law is you know i may lose attention from my son if i allow this girl to dominate therefore she starts suppressing nowadays you know girls are really smart and they are all cultured 10 out of 10 girls are definitely educated all of them are educated and they are working females. This is you find all females are going involving in some sort of work. They are homemakers and they do something remotely working from home and they are fashion designers, this and that and they are IT engineers, they go and work. So they expect some sort of privacy and freedom and liberty to do the thing, to enable things on their own. But I don't think it's well honoured. Why? Because I am the elder in this house. My My son used to listen everything that I tell and who is this girl not listening to me this and that the ego gets triggered. Now what happens this poor fellow is battling between this side and that side ultimately he is going to be rash at both the person at some point of time and then what happens the family splits either they give a different destination or you know dislocate them into a different place and they stay in the same house all this happens. What happens the relationship gets hampered. So the suggestion how to overcome is definitely don't stay in the same house, but be co-located, be in the same neighborhood and you try to, you know, talk to them almost every day or visit them once in a week, take care of their medical needs. You deploy a maidservant who can cook for them, all that you do, but a kind of a little distance, not separation, little distance is always going to safeguard this relationship. there are also I told you seven out of ten cases there are three cases where they're very very happy as a family but the reason behind that is the open minded open mindedness in the mindset of elders they are very mature because they have also gone through certain struggles like this and during their time and they definitely don't want the youngsters to go through it they're very very open-minded they don't interfere they don't they secure the privacy of the youngsters let me it may be their own son it may be their own daughter they don't interfere in their economical matters or anything they do they give them a lot of privacy and they're open-minded and they're a very happy family and what happens is these people would not travel anywhere without deltas that's how it ends to be so there is no ego and you know that is also quite possible but then it's it's it's becoming a rare case because of the kind of world and environment we are living in and because of the mindset and the culture. So, it's a simple tip what we are giving. The next relationship is, I have never seen much fights between a father-in-law and a son-in-law, but maybe that is true, that the reason could be because of his own wife, right? Somehow there is something wrong, you go and figure it out, but they are very rare cases. I have not heard much, maybe I am wrong, but then it's very easy to fix. Just because man to man it is easy to fix, women to women it's complicated to fix no i don't say that it becomes a gender biased discussion it becomes a kind of a racism also so i'm not saying that i told you at the beginning itself it's a very very complicated topic very tough to convey everything in one single session we are trying our best but you can figure it out a discussion or a kind of a face-to-face chit chat with your father-in-law or father-in-law to your son-in-law can be fixed easily that's what the statistics says right between the parents and children and then husband and wife and then we will see some things and we'll close parents and children domestic violence you know what manhandling a child i think by law also it is not allowed if the neighbor calls the child help line no they will immediately come in they can arrest many people are thinking or 9-11 is the only source in it's applicable only in the western countries in us america and all that no sorry it's also enabled here so manhandling a child will never ever fix any problem you really need to spend time with a child whatever age it may be he may be a toddler he may be a young child as age as early as as old as two years old he may be a teenager or she may be a teenager it doesn't matter you have to spend time you need to help them to overcome the problems you need to be part of their problems you cannot be an opponent to their problems you know many people many children look at their parents as their villains you know you know this guy now he will open his mouth and he keep on advising this lady know she will throw at everything that comes in her hand something like that they are portraying themselves as villains what to do you be part of their problems you work with them are they very bad at academics find out what is the source of destruction right are they involved in any sort of addictions including pornography or addictions and drugs and this and that. You really work with them. You know, get them to a counselor and see how you can fix it. No point yelling at them. No point beating them, manhandling them. And that is not allowed. Actually, by law also you are not allowed. Even teachers cannot beat the children. They can complain to the parents. So that age is gone. When I was growing up the first thing you know I will get one on my face and then only my mother will ask what is the problem Nowadays it is changing We cannot manhandle not by law but it is not working That the statistics right So change your method to deal with this and that is also domestic violence. I want you to know this. Lastly, husband and wife. Husband and wife, both of us are working these days, right? You name 10 couples, I think 8 of them are really working, right both of them are working so what happens is they don't get quality time to spend with each other strictly few tips i'm leaving behind weekends do not touch your laptop right do not be involved in any kind of official work take regular breaks whenever a festival is coming for example ganesh chagurthy is coming plan for your vacation and don't celebrate it at your home celebrate it in somewhere your relatives place or friends and pick up a place like go have a party time there and celebrate the festivals in some traditional places or go for a pilgrimage trip together that the point here is you go to spend quality time with each other i'll tell you what when you spend quality time obviously you will touch upon some of the problems that you are going through some of the disagreements some of the difference in opinion and you will realize that you were totally wrong your wife is able to correct you or wives listening to me you may be totally wrong your husband is able to correct you the only fix for this is no medicine no counseling session and no treatment no breathing exercise these are all good okay medicine i will never recommend there is no the medicine is only a temporary fix the permanent fix is here you got to change your mind and how to change this mind spend quality time yes understand that in a month you may not get quality time all the 30 days but yes weekends possible right and some days you are for example fridays most of the people work only for half a day let's be honest to each other right what do you do for the friday evening start your weekend only from friday evening late afternoons that's the u.s culture that's a western culture in india we don't practice you will attend calls all the way until you know friday night why because weekend is there now start your weekend little early man Take your wife for a dinner and birthdays and anniversaries and all those things. You make it as a kind of a grand function. Not saying that you should be money, money, spend, as a spendthrift, you should spend too much money. It's not about money. It's about fellowship. It's about quality time. I'll tell you, this will fix all the problems. The domestic violence between husband and wife, husband, I've heard many cases, they're manhandling their wives, which is definitely not right. And any of you going through such problems, there is a, there is an act, right? What is this? Act against women protection towards all of them going through women protection law. You know, what does the law say about domestic violence? I'll read it for you. Protection of Women Against Domestic Violence Act 2005. Act was passed in the parliament, right? It prohibits a wide range of physical, sexual, emotional and economical abuse against women. Dowries, you know, all these people gang up and they harassed women saying where is the dowry and all that. It is against the law. Do not think twice. Report it to the, you know, there is a helpline available. 24 by 7 they are available. You can always call up or call up a police station and all that. But then don't go in that route. Try to fix it within the family circle. You go, you take that legal route now, then the relationship will get broken. The gap widens. You will never be able to come together. So don't take that route, but deal it through elders. First deal it between yourselves and then you take it through elders. Even if they cannot fix, then obviously you have to take the legal route because your children life is at stake. If you separate, your children life is definitely going to be hampered. So, don't take that route. Try to fix it among yourselves. Your husband and wife, you are actually one body, one mind, one soul. You are unified in spirit. This is the way how all the, you know, the religious traditions are defining the relationship between husband and wife. Because every problems originate from there. And it climbs upwards, upwards. You are able to handle it at the bottom most level, the root level. the domestic violence can be killed in matter of days sometimes in matter of hours you have to just open up your mind and talk to one another is there anything that cannot be resolved through a dialogue now everything has a fix so take heart I'm sure this session helped you sorry I could not cover 360 degree of domestic violence because if you allow me to talk I can talk for 100 hours also there is so much to talk but I think the sneak peek is good enough take some decisions together you sit and you you resolve it as i said you start from the bottom to top approach husbands and wives listening to me start you know tackling this if you are unmarried it's a good education program but then if you are involved in any kind of domestic violence and your parents are the reason to it and all that try to approach someone within your family some elders in your family and take their help right probably your grandfather or grandma or some of your uncles someone who is very close to your parents you take that approach and take it through that route young students listening to me or young children listening to me take somebody's help and obviously everything is solvable everything is fixable so do not worry do not lose heart and try to be an overcomer right nothing is impossible that is the formula on which we operate these sessions or we We deliver these sessions. Nothing is impossible. Everything is possible. A dialogue can resolve million problems, right? So, learn to resolve problems within the inner circles, within the dialogues. Don't take the legal route immediately. But if required, please take that route. That's why we gave you some visibility on that angle too. All right? God bless you. Take care. Please write to us if you need any more sessions on various topics like this. As I told, it was a very sensitive topic. So, no offenses, please. I just portrayed few examples which I have researched and learned from my understanding. God bless you. Take care. Bye.